


Letters from the Sky

by CathrineMcCord



Series: When I'm Gone [1]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Five Stages of Grief, Post Reichenbach
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-23
Updated: 2012-10-23
Packaged: 2017-11-16 22:10:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/544381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CathrineMcCord/pseuds/CathrineMcCord
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When he researches on the internet that night, he finds out that begging Sherlock not to be dead in front of his grave is called Bargaining. </p><p>_</p><p>John and Sebastian after the Fall</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. John

**Author's Note:**

> Letters from the Sky - The Civill Twilight
> 
> This is the first Part of a very much bigger series but can also be read as stand alone. Not betaed, throw the mistakes at me when you find them!

 

For about twenty four hours after the fall John just sits rigid in his armchair starring into blank nothing. It seems that even his bladder has forgotten to function.

He just waits.

 

As Sargent Sally Donovan steps in after eleven hours to question him he screams at her for being a bloody liar and throws her out. The question why it's not Lestrade coming in for him doesn't occur to him.

 

All he can think of is why it takes Sherlock so bloody long to come home from whatever he's doing.

 

//

 

Mycroft doesn't check in on him. Not even once.

 

John is glad. Sherlock would only get annoyed having him here.

 

He waits.

 

//

 

After twenty four hours and two minutes the silence gets too much. Waiting gets too much.

 

He is sure that if he stays any longer the truth will tear him down.

 

John gets up, packs his old army back pack and stands in front of Harrys door after exactly twenty four hours and thirty two minutes.

 

As she hugs him and tells him how sorry she is for him that Sherlock is dead he doesn't object anymore.

 

John doesn't know jet that he's just gone through _**Denial**_. It's the first of five stages of grief.

 

//

 

John doesn't attend the funeral.

 

He feels obligated to, but whatever his head tells him, his body just refuses to get up from Harrys couch.

 

//

 

A week after bunking in with Harry she finally loses her nerves and drags him to his therapist.

 

Ella is genuinely surprised to see him.

 

He can't tell though, if it's because he has missed every appointment since he has met Sherlock, or if it's because she is not used to seeing him in a worn out sweatshirt and a week old beard.

 

//

 

Harry makes him shave and dress suitable for his next appointment and the one after that.

 

//

 

“There's stuff you wanted to say, but didn't say it...”

 

The 'Yea' crumbles in his throat as he realizes, for the first time, the exact words he wanted to say to Sherlock.

 

“Say it now ...”

 

He also realizes that he never will be able to say it any more. To anyone.

 

The only person he ever wanted to say it to so badly is dead.

 

//

 

Two weeks into staying with Harry he is able to get up from the couch at decent times and to shave and pick out his clothes himself. It feels ridiculously good to have some control over himself again.

 

//

 

When he visits Mr. Hudson for the first time in two and a half weeks he has already gotten himself a new flat. He tells himself it's just because he doesn't want to bother Harry anymore, and not that he can politely refuse to move into 221B again.

 

The new flat is still in Baker Street.

 

All of his and Sherlocks things are still at 221B.

 

//

 

He is not able to fall asleep in his new flat. It takes sixty two hours until he finally passes out of exhaustion, right in the middle of the kitchen floor.

 

Sleeping gets easier after that.

 

//

 

He has to get his things out of 221B eventually. It's the first time he's been to the flat since he made his escape. He avoids the kitchen and the living room and goes straight up to his old bedroom. His things are packed quickly.

 

For a brief moment he allows himself to stand still and take in the silence of the flat.

 

Then he grabs his bags and runs.

 

//

 

He comes back after two days.

 

There isn't really anything he's forgotten to pack. But there is this nagging sensation deep down in his stomach that draws him back. He avoids his bedroom this time, steps straight into the living room.

 

A few steps. A book in his hands. A pen. A tea cup.

 

The tea cup he always used for Sherlock. Sherlock who’s just being an egoistic ass leaving him here on his own.

 

A tea cup smashed right into the smiling face above the couch. Their couch.

 

Doesn’t he know that John never functioned alone?

 

It only takes seconds for him to snap.

 

The only thing he can think of as he crashes everything around him is that this is _**Anger**_. The second stage of grieve.

 

 

//

 

He brings Mrs. Hudson the first time he visits Sherlocks grave. He hopes that it will be easier to keep it together when someone else is around. But Mrs. Hudson is considerate enough to leave him alone.

 

So he brakes.

 

Just a little.

 

It's the first time tears escape his eyes and not just suppressed sniffles. He wipes them away quickly, reminding himself that he's been a soldier.

 

//

 

When he researches on the internet that night, he finds out that begging Sherlock not to be dead in front of his grave is called _**Bargaining**_.

 

He feels a sense of relieve that he has only two more stages to go.

 

//

 

He meets Sebastian when Sally finally manages to get him in for his statement. Well, he re-meets him.

 

“John?”

John turns away from Sally confused. Everyone here should either know his name or not care about him.

The voice sounds remotely familiar.

“Captain John Watson?”

That actually startles him.

At least until he spots the man who's addressing him.

“Sebastian?”

“For you still Colonel Moran!”

The other man smirks. It's still the same as back in Afghanistan. He nearly hasn't changed, ignoring his slightly longer hair.

It’s strange seeing someone of his old life. Especially someone he was close with. Being next to each other 24/7 close. Someone who saved his life. Someone whos life he saved.

Someone who he never even called after dropping out.

Sebastian pats John on the shoulder.

“You are the last person I would have ever expected to meet here!”

So he doesn't really know about the thing with Sherlock. It's refreshing.

“I can only say that for myself.”

John fidgets. Somehow it's unsettling that Sebastian sees him like this. Obviously broken. But then, he has seen him worse. At least physically.

“Well, I dropped out of the army a while ago, but you know how it is, I just couldn't stand the quite … started here to keep serving my country ...”

The familiar smirk turns soft.

“But what are you doing here? I would lie if I said you looked worse. And I saw you at quite desperate times.”

So much for that. John swallows.

“He used to work with Sherlock Holmes.”

Sally decided that it's time to push things forward. He gave his statement, now he is unwelcome here. Sherlock wasn’t welcome here, why should his assistant be?

When he looks up again he sees a sudden awareness in Sebastians eyes.

Oh, so he did know. Then why was he surprised to see him here?

John wouldn't be able to ask even if he wanted to.

His legs seem to carry him out on their own without saying another word.

 

//

 

Sebastian turns up on his doorstep the night after that.

 

He smirks apologetic.

“I would have come earlier, but you're actually quite hard to find!”

 

Both of them know that this is a lie.

 

Johns flat is a mess and his fridge empty, so they go out for a pint.

 

//

 

That night John doesn't dream about Sherlock, but about how Sebastian dragged him out of the line of fire, after John jumped a bullet for him.

 

He blames it on the alcohol.

 

//

 

It turns out Sebastian does know about Sherlock and the whole case around it, but that he isn't sure of what to believe. He listens calmly as John lays the whole story out in front of him on a rainy Sunday afternoon. They come to the silent agreement that they won’t talk about it in each other’s presence.

 

//

 

John receives a text from Mycroft, asking about his well being.

 

He ignores it.

 

//

 

They start this thing were they would wander around London aimlessly and try the first pub that springs to their eyes. It's more Sebastian's idea, but John tags along willingly.

John thinks he likes to be around Sebastian, because it is reassuring to see how well he has his life in check, even after his experience at the army.

 

//

 

Sebastian stays over after a particularly exhausting night. Surprisingly it's John who shakes his guest awake from his nightmares, not the other way around.

 

“Post traumatic stress ...”

Sebastian murmurs as he rubs his eyes awake.

 

They look at each other for a second, then burst into laughter.

 

//

 

On one of their nightly tours they stumble upon Lestrade. It's their first time at this particular pub. It's clearly not Lestrades.

 

John is so stunned that the Detective actually looks worse than him, that he gives him a wordless hug.

 

It takes John a while but the Detective finally confesses that the consequence of Sherlocks death was him swapping places with Sergeant Donovan. He is quicker and more energetic when he adds that he refused to work with a bunch of traitorous liars and thus now goes by the name of Police Officer Lestrade. It also turns out that this is how Sebastian got his job.

 

Lestrade accompanys them from that night on, always trying to steer them into a sports pub.

 

The silent agreement of never mentioning Sherlock is quickly adapted by him.

 

//

 

It has to get worse before it gets better.

 

It’s been nearly nine month when John decides to pick Sebastian up after work.

The Yarde's mostly ignore him, a few give quick nods. One stops shortly while walking past him to tell him that Sebastian is going to be ready in a few minutes.

 

John smiles. That's what he is now. The friend of Sergeant Sebastian Moran. Nine month and there is no association with Sherlock or even Lestrade left. It seems like the outside world decided that he has moved on. So maybe he really should.

 

The thought is barely out of his mind when it happens.

 

It's a wonder he even sees it, because he is focused on picking up Sebastian and doesn't pay much attention. But there at his peripheral vision he sees a young Yarder carrying a box of stuff, clearly meant for storing away in some archive to never be seen again.

 

He recognises Sherlock's things instantly. They must have taken it from the flat during investigation.

 

“Stop!”

The words are out of his mouth before he can think it through.

He vaguely registers Sebastian coming out of Donovan office as he darts towards the shocked Yarder. He will tackle him if he must.

 

About two meters before reaching his goal his bad leg gives in and he goes crashing to the floor.

 

Apparently his mind caught up with his body.

 

The pain his head sends to his leg leaves him gasping for breath. He sits in the middle of the Yard, clutching his leg until Sebastian picks him up and carries him home.

 

//

 

When he wakes up in the morning and can’t find the strength to get out of bed. Sebastian tells him that he reached the stage of _**Depression**_.

 

//

 

It takes two month until he can go through his day completely alone.

 

It's not like he has to, though. By this time Sebastian and Lestrade have particularly moved in with him. Sebastian stayed with him from day one, listened calmly as he broke their silent agreement, made him eat and held him through nights where it was impossible to stop sobbing.

Lestrade jumped in buying the groceries and sitting with John watching crap telly while Sebastian was at work.

 

The first night they go out to a pub again Lestrade offers that they move in with him, since his flat is too big for him anyway, considering his divorce and all. They all agree, and though neither of them is sure if this was suggested after long planning or just out of too much alcohol, all three of them feel perfectly happy with this decision.

 

//

 

Neither of them will comment on it, but during the time of Johns depression Sebastian has shared a bed with John more often then not. It eases most of their nightmares.

 

There is also neither of them saying a word the first time Lestrade joins them and non of them objects as sharing one bed becomes a habit.

 

//

 

It takes a lot of pushing and heated discussions but in the end Sebastian and Lestrade are able to convince John to apply for the job of a paramedic.

 

On his first shift he encounters a boy with a small head wound and he promptly turns around to vomit on the mothers shoes. The boy bursts out in laughter and John turns around to stitch the wound with a wide grin on his face.

 

//

 

Over the cause of the next two years John laughs, runs, screams, occasionally cries and feels himself getting better with every breath he takes.

 

He can himself feel running towards _**Acceptance**_.

 

Then, there comes the day when Sally Donovan snaps a pair of handcuffs around his wrists and he has to realize that he was still a world away from Acceptance.


	2. Sebastian

 

After he checks Jims pulse and finds non, he crosses _**Denial**_ of his mental list of the five stages of grief.

 

//

 

He has to alter his back up plan for this kind of unemployment situation a little but he is positive that it will work. Jim was just another employer after all.

 

//

 

He stumbles over the open spot of Detective Sargent as he makes sure that he is completely untraceable.

 

He tries to push it away, but the plan of revenge is unfolding itself in front of his eyes on it's on accord and by midnight he finds himself forging all the necessary documents he needs to apply for the position.

 

//

 

Sebastian watches the funeral through the gun-sight of his rifle. Both of them.

It's not part of the plan, it's part of an old habit.

 

At Jim's he sets sight on a man that looks ridiculously like an older version of Jim. It's easy to not only find out that this is James, Jim's older brother, but also everything else that's necessary. That night he bumps into him by planed accident and slips him his phone number.

 

It all starts from there.

 

//

 

He never again touches any of Jim's things, never again visits any of his chosen places.

 

This is the job of his mourning family.

 

The Sebastian Moran he is now never knew a Jim Moriarty. Neither did he know Richard Brook.

 

//

 

Meeting John is not a coincidence. It's part of a longer process, part of a bigger aim.

 

“John?”

John turns away from Sally and Sebastian can see the confusion written all over his face. It's still the face he knows from all those years back. But it's not the face he came to see on all the surveillance he did for Jim.

“Captain John Watson?”

John flinches. Looks like he got the tone of his voice just quite right.

“Sebastian?”

“For you still Colonel Moran!”

He actually practised the well worn smirk he gives John now, in front of the mirror. He is always prepared. And it pays of now.

Because it’s actually strange, seeing someone of his old life. Especially someone he was close with. Being next to each other 24/7 close. Someone who saved his life. Someone whos life he saved.

Sebastian's hand reaches out on it's own accord to pat John on the shoulder.

“You are the last person I would have ever expected to meet here!”

Another practised line.

“I can only say that for myself.”

John fidgets under his stare.

“Well, I dropped out of the army a while ago, but you know how it is, I just couldn't stand the quite … started here to keep serving my country ...”

He turns the smirk soft.

“But what are you doing here? I would lie if I said you looked worse. And I saw you at quite desperate times.”

John obviously hesitates. It makes Sebastian mentally recall the five stages.

“He used to work with Sherlock Holmes.”

Sally, impatient as he got to know her, decided that it's time to push things forward.

It's not exactly part of the plan, but it's not that much of a mayor disturbance. Altering the plan on the go is something he learned from Jim.

So he rearranges in just a second and opens his mouth to ask John out for dinner, but his old comrade is already out the door without another word.

 

As he realizes that he is unable to come up with another variation of the plan, the feeling of helplessness is so overwhelming that he storms of and out of the building in the opposite direction of John.

 

//

When he wakes up the next morning in a shabby backstreet in some of the rougher parts of London, dried blood on his knuckles, the first thing he thinks about, is that this is _**Anger**_ , the second stage of grief.

 

He can feel it in his gut, like bile rising up his throat. It's not the anger he felt in Afghanistan, not the anger he felt throughout his whole life. This anger leaves him shivering ans helpless and makes him realize that he misses something he didn't even knew he had.

 

Sebastian will never know that he won't make it over the stage of anger.

 

//

 

He turns up on Johns doorstep the night after that.

 

He smirks apologetic.

“I would have come earlier, but you're actually quite hard to find!”

 

Both of them know that this is a lie. Sebastian knows it because he's been stalking out the apartment the moment John moved in.

 

John just shrugs and they go out for a pint.

 

//

 

That night Sebastian dreams of Jim for the first time.

 

//

 

He coos John into opening up with such ease he actually has to suppress a grin.

 

What he can't suppress is his stomach clenching every time the name Sherlock Holmes pours out of Johns mouth.

 

They come to the silent agreement that they won’t talk about it in each other’s presence.

 

//

 

He sometimes gets the feeling of someone watching him, but every time he checks he is alone. It's not enough to make him nervous.

 

//

 

Sebastian starts this thing were they would wander around London aimlessly and try the first pub that springs to their eyes. John follows him willingly. It's nearly to easy.

 

//

 

Sebastian stays over at Johns after he is sure that he has reached a certain level of his trust. It all follows a scheme.

 

The dream he has about Jim that night is so violent that he has to choke down a scream when John shakes him awake.

 

“Post traumatic stress ...”

He murmurs as he rubs his eyes awake, because that's part of a protocol too.

 

As he looks at John he can see the relieved crinkle of John's lips even through the darkness and it doesn't take any kind of acting to laugh with him over his own lie.

 

//

 

On one of their nightly tours they stumble upon Lestrade.

 

Sebastian knows exactly who he is, knows every little detail, but he plays dumb never the less. He watches silently as they hug, smiles friendly as he is introduced and nods politely on all the right words as John comforts the former Detective.

 

Lestrade accompanys them from that night on, always trying to steer them into a sports pub. It vows itself smoothly into Sebastian's plan, so he lets it go.

 

The silent agreement of never mentioning Sherlock is quickly adapted by Lestrade and Sebastian can't help to feel grateful.

 

//

 

He has anticipated John's breakdown for quite a time when it finally happens. He is surprised that it took this long. It might would have taken even longer, had he not arranged for the little coincidence of Sherlock's old things being disposed right in front of Johns eyes.

 

He watches and calculates calmly as John goes crashing to the floor and then steps in to carry the doctor out of the Yard, together with the little bit of mistrust John still held against him.

 

//

 

When John wakes up in the morning and can’t find the strength to get out of bed, Sebastian tells him that he reached the stage of _**Depression**_.

 

He wonders when he will hit it and if John will also be there to hold him when he cries. He has to bite back a laugh at the thought of it.

 

//

 

It takes two month until John can go through his day completely alone.

 

Sebastian makes sure that he don't has to though. He arranges everything so that John will always be a little bit dependant on him without even knowing.

 

The first night they go out to a pub again, Lestrade offers that they move in with him, since his flat is too big for him anyway, considering his divorce and all. They all agree, and though Sebastian hasn't seen it coming and isn't sure how it will affect the further plan, he feels strangely content for the rest of the night.

 

//

 

It's so easy to keep setting his plan into motion, even after moving in with both of them. Trust is the best cover you can arrange for.

 

And all of them sharing a bed, after only a month of living together, confirms that.

 

Sebastian trys not to dwell on the fact, that his nightmares about Jim have reduced to a minimum since Lastrade started to steal his blanket and John will curl his fingers around Sebastian's wrist right before he falls asleep.

 

//

 

It takes a lot of pushing and heated discussions but in the end Sebastian and Lestrade are able to convince John to apply for the job of a paramedic.

 

Making him better is essential before crushing him.

 

//

 

Over the cause of the next two years Sebastian patiently puts one piece of the puzzle beside the other, while curling around his enemy at night.

 

He doesn't tick of _**Bargaining**_ , _**Depression**_ or _**Acceptance**_ of his mental list.

 

When his puzzle finally starts to look like something he is still stuck in _**Anger**_.

 

 


End file.
